Love Thy Neighbor?

Where's Winston? Can you find me buried in my pillow fortress?

Hello, Winstonites. I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a couple of days. I’ve been moping around due to an extremely traumatic event that occurred on the evening of January 30, 2012. It all started with Pet #1 and I enjoying silly YouTube videos and fresh air on our balcony (she took a shower and forgot to close the bathroom door, hence the apartment was hot and murky). Moments later, our neighbor (the weird guy who lives right next to us and only leaves his apartment to go to work–I think he might be addicted to internet pornography, but I’ll get to that another time) comes waltzing down the stairs. His footsteps prompt my nervous Chihuahua “yips” and Pet #1 tries to scoop me up, but her actions are halted by the vicious neighbor’s response. With great disdain in his voice, said neighbor mutters “Shuuut up” (emphasis on the uhhhh). And it wasn’t just an annoyed response to a pup barking at a man having a bad day. It was an I-hear-you-barking-and-whining-every-day-and-I-fantasize-about-killing-you-when-you’re-home-alone response. This man had so much pent-up hostility and aggression that even Pet #1 was terrified. She immediately curled into a ball on the chair so he wouldn’t see her feet dangling and know that she had heard his cruel words. We were truly stunned and still are. My pets and I have been walking on eggshells trying to be quieter now. We realize that we keep late hours and I’m a noisy little puppy, however that is part of being a petowner/pet. I just hope to avoid another run in with the terrifying neighbor. I wonder if he was the mysterious knocker?

The Great Escape

Daydreaming about my long, lost love...

Hello, Winstonians. Hope everyone is doing well! I just wanted to give a quick update on my most recent shenanigans, as we all know I have been acting out in an attempt to get my pets’ attention. My newest trick is making a break for it every time that front door opens! I stand at the top of the staircase with that I’m-going-to-bolt-if-you-make-one-false-move look, and those predictable pets of mine come charging at me, which in turn, sends me into panic mode. At this point, I realize I am in big trouble, therefore I keep running in an attempt to avoid any consequences involving my bad decisions. Now, I have to tell you, this apartment complex is enormous, which allows me to basically disappear if I want to. However, I’m not really running away; I’m just teaching those little bastards a lesson, despite the colossal amount of trouble I will be in. So, I’m bookin’ it all the way past the tennis courts and through the office, when I suddenly have a Pepé Le Pew moment. The most beautiful little baby Husky caught my eye, and I was immediately drawn to her gorgeous mane. Naturally, I stopped right in my tracks and seductively galloped over to Hussy, the Husky (I’m not sure what her real name is, but I have named her “Hussy” in my head, so let’s just go with that). We began the customary bum-sniffing routine, and I was rounding first base when Pet #2 abruptly snatched me up and away from Hussy. What a buzzkill! Due to my bad behavior, I’ve been banned to my “apartment” within an apartment every time my pets open the front door. Oddly enough, I’m content with the decision because the downtime allows me to relive that moment with Hussy over and over again in my tiny, lima-bean-sized brain. Love is in the air!

I TOLD YOU SO!

This is how I show Pet #1 how I REALLY feel! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!

Well, well, well… What did I tell you?! Pet #1 got a promotion and is neglecting my blog! Who does she think she is? All I have to say to this one is: Pet #2 is now my favorite. He’s been paying way more attention to me and I’m even thinking about asking him to be my webmaster. How do you like them apples?! The past two days have been rather peachy, despite Pet #1’s omission from my life. I had no idea that Pet #2 could be so loving. We played Call of Duty, watched various television shows, and ate lots of junk foods (He’s not usually this lazy, I swear! Those were his days off). I have also been acting out lately, just to stick it to Pet #1! And because I want her attention, of course! Who doesn’t crave their mother’s love? Pet #1 has the next two days off work, so I’m hoping we can finally finish the last season of Gossip Girl. Next show on our list: Modern Family. You know, it wouldn’t kill her to watch some Animal Planet every now and then. Afterall, there are two of us in this relationship!!! Ugh, she’s so selfish… I see I went on another rant, and I must apologize for my terrible manners. I just get so worked up sometimes. Anywho, I would like to address the issue regarding Howard and his distaste for the limelight. Apparently, he is very uncomfortable with the idea of being written about publicly on a blog, however the First Amendment protects my rights to do so. I cannot, however, take pictures of him while he’s sleeping. I believe that is considered voyeurism and I’m fairly certain that is illegal (voyeurism, because Howard is always in the nude… Don’t ask). So, once again, I sincerely apologize for the lack of Howard photos. Perhaps when he renews his lease, I can include a clause about needing pictures of my tenants for personal use only…

Worst. Day. Ever.

Don't leave me, Pet #1!

Hello, Winston Watchers. I regret to inform you all that Pet #1 got the promotion and will not be spending as much time with me. 😦 Words cannot even describe the absolute devastation that I feel right now. My tiny puppy heart aches so badly. I prayed every night that she wouldn’t get it, but clearly her prayers took precedence over mine. PSSHHHH. She better not neglect my blog! I have become increasingly dependent upon sharing my life with complete strangers, and without Pet #1’s fingers, I can’t accomplish that. All I can do is scamper across the keyboard in hopes of typing something intelligible.  The backspace key is big enough for me to paw at it, but nevertheless, it is still a tedious task that I would prefer to have Pet #1 do for me. EVIL PLAN ALERT! We must ban together to sabotage this new promotion. I can chew up all of her work shoes so she is late and unprepared! Or I can ingest some ibuprofen… I heard that isn’t good for dogs. Then she would have to quit so she could constantly be there to hold my paw while I recover at the animal hospital. Or I could just forget all aforementioned plans to dupe Pet #1 and congratulate her with my tongue in her nostrils instead. I apologize for the momentary relapse in judgment. I forgot that Pet #1 making more money=more treats, toys, bones, and precious outfits for Winston! From the bottom of my miniature, fun-size heart, I’m proud of you, Mommy (Yes, I’m calling her mommy due to the extreme guilt I feel from those villainous voices in my head). On top of all of this promotion twaddle, I miss my friends from the “big city.” I slip into a post-visit funk after my travels. I sleep more than usual and Pet #1 tells me that I have night terrors. The abrupt loneliness really takes a toll on me. Don’t get me wrong… I have Howard and he’s been a phenomenal companion, but he’s certainly not my own kind. He can’t be out of the freezer for longer than 15 minutes and I strongly dislike being cramped into such a small space. The freezer is far too dark and cold for my liking! And not to mention it smells like hot pockets and frozen waffles in there, but I digress. My relationship with Howard is comparable to all of those vampire/human relationships you see in the movies and on television these days. We’re from two very different worlds, yet we share such a sacred bond. Only time will tell if our friendship will flourish or flop. Wow, blogging is better than therapy! I just worked through all of my feelings in a matter of minutes!

The Big City

Hello, Winstoners (I’m not condoning my readers to smoke pot, by the way. Hugs, not drugs, people)! Today, Pet #1 took Howard (my tenant that happens to be one of Mr. Popper’s penguins, for those who don’t know) and me up north to the “big city…” AKA the Phoenix suburb, Glendale. Comparatively speaking, Phoenix is much bigger than Tucson so I refer to it as the “big city,” but that’s beside the point. Our adventure began early this morning and I have decided to include a timeline of events to ensure that you all get the full story.

Up and at 'em!

9:30 AM: Pet #1 wakes up, as do I. I spring off the bed, tail wagging.

10:00 AM: Pet #1 packs Howard up in his ice chest/cooler and we attempt to leave. I use the word “attempt” because I delayed our departure by blazing out the front door before my leash was attached.

10:11 AM: Pet #1 finally corrals me after a 10 minute game of tag. She lost. Howard, Pet #1, and I all hop into Pet #2’s car. Pet #2’s car is the family car because it’s an SUV and we need more space for Howard’s cooler.

10:20 AM: We stop for gas and snacks. Pet #1 leaves Howard and me in the car while she runs inside. During this time, we witness an exciting car chase, which sends me into a frenzy.

10:23 AM: Pet #1 tries to leave the gas station, however the entire Tucson Police Department is blocking the street and we are unable to pass through. Their sirens get me all fired up, so I bark incessantly while Howard mutters a few obscenities under his breath.

Asleep at the wheel

10:30 AM: We are back on the road. This gives me the green light to climb out of my pet carrier and nestle into Pet #1’s lap, thus commencing the car game we play. Pet #1 puts me back into the carrier and zips it up this time. I wriggle out of the zipped carrier and climb back into her lap. She puts me in the carrier again and tells me that it is very dangerous to have me on her lap while she drives. I listen for about 2 minutes and then I Houdini myself out again. Pet #1 makes the executive decision that I can be in her lap while we’re on the highway, but once we get into town, I have to go back. Little did I know she was manipulating me and the second I fell asleep, she imprisoned me in the pet carrier. I gave up and went to sleep.

My friends: Bentley, Pixie, and Frances

12:30 PM: We all arrive at Pet #1’s parents’ house (my grandpets’ house). I see Auntie Em and all of my doggy friends. I’m beyond excited to nuzzle my sweet snout into Doodle, the labradoodle. I suppose I should give you a rundown of my friends: Skippy (the antique puppy who is at least 15 years old), Doodle (the Labradoodle), Abby (the Pomeranian/Head bitch in charge), Pixie (the Chiweenie/Second HBIC), Frances (the Cockapoo), and lastly Bentley (the Chihuahua/my real blood brother).

Lounging around with my BFF, Doodle

Wiggle worms=blurry picture

1:00 PM-8:00 PM: Howard and I mingle (sniff bums, groom each other, growl when we feel threatened, etc.) with my friends. It takes my doggy friends a while to warm up to Howard since he’s so icy, pun intended! I swear those jokes never get old! My brother, Bentley, just moved in with my “grandpets” and it appears that he has changed. Pet #1 tries to get us together for a picture, but as you can see, we’re not having it. Bentley is showing several symptoms of depression and I try to talk to him about it, but the pressure of having Howard there makes it awkward. He says he will Skype me later and talk about getting on some Prozac.

8:00 PM: Pet #1, Howard, and I leave my grandpets’ house. We play the car game again. Once again, I lose, and am banished to the pet carrier for the remainder of the ride.

9:00 PM: Howard is belting out tunes from his cooler. I deviously plot out a detailed plan to leave him on the side of the road next time Pet #1 stops for gas, but she never stops. My evil thoughts go right out the window when we get home and Howard thanks me for introducing him to my family. He tells me that he hasn’t been treated this well since he lived with Mr. Popper. BFFLs again!

Curled up on the couch after an eventful day

11:00 PM: I’m all tuckered out from the “big city” extravaganza and I can barely finish this post.

Guard Dog

A lovely photo of me sitting upon my throne, protecting my kingdom

Hello, Winstonites! I must apologize for my absence. I have been spending a lot of time with Howard and Pet #1. We’re like the three musketeers lately, although I am sad to announce that Pet #1’s “vacation” from work is coming to an end tomorrow. Our time spent together was something I will cherish for the rest of my life. The tripod lives on forever! Moving along, I would like to tell you a story about the mysterious door knocker. Pet #1, Howard, and I were snuggled up on the couch watching Gossip Girl, per usual, when someone surprised us at the door. Now, I must tell you that Pet #1 is incredibly scared of answering the door. She’s even afraid of answering phone calls from unknown numbers. I’m not sure why, but she gets very uppity at the thought of just a door in between her and a stranger. Anywho, the mysterious knocker knocked in two sets. And I’m not talking about the I’m-selling-magazines-because-I-need-money-for-summer-camp knockers. These knocks were percussive and angry; like said knocker was on a mission. My ears immediately perked up and I sprung to my feet while ferociously barking  (more like chirping because I’m a tiny chihuahua and my bark isn’t very scary). Pet #1 attempted to hush my snarls and growls, but I wasn’t having it. This is my kingdom and I must protect it from mysterious knockers and such. The second set of knocks came about 13 seconds after the first, and I assure you they were even more fearsome than the first set.  I continued howling, in hopes that I might scare off the mysterious knocker, however he lingered downstairs. We all huddled on the couch, listening carefully to see if we could recognize any of the voices. Finally, Pet #1 grew a pair and looked out the peep-hole, but it was too late. The mysterious knocker & friends had disappeared into the dark night, never to return again! And of course I had to bark at every little peep for the rest of the evening, just in case they decided to come back. I’m telling you, it was traumatic for all parties involved, but it is my duty to protect my pets from any harm.

I see you!

Hello, Winston Watchers! I’ve been so busy with my penguin recon that I’ve barely had any time to blog. 😦 I can’t blame Pet #1 for this one. I am so excited to announce that Mr. Popper’s Penguin is named Howard. He used to live in Antarctica, but migrated here for the winter. And now he’s been bouncing from freezer to freezer hiding from the IRS. Apparently Howard wasn’t paying his taxes and he spent a little time in the pokey for it! But I would appreciate if you could give him a second chance. He is trying very hard to get his life back on track, and I really believe things may be looking better for him. Howard has learned how to do his “business” somewhere other than on my pets’ hotpockets, so that is a great stride! Baby steps, Howard. Baby steps… Anyway, Pet #1 is taking a few days off of work. She just had an extremely stressful week and I feel so bad for her. Well, not that bad. She shouldn’t get herself into all of  these debacles. Every day is a new issue with this one. And don’t get me started on Pet #2… He fed me so many table scraps that I threw up three times today. It also could have been something in the garbage that I was pilfering through. Who knows? I plan on taking vacation with Pet #1 in her time off. I would like to go visit my brother, Bentley and Auntie Em up in Phoenix. I believe this could be a breath of fresh air for the both of us. Should I invite Howard? We would have to buy a cooler to transport him, of course, but I think it could be fun for Howard to make some new friends.

A photo of my current state of emotion: confused. WHY won't Mr. Popper's Penguin open up to me?!

Hello, Winstonians! The past couple of days have been quite an adjustment. While I am thrilled to be subletting the freezer out to one of Mr. Popper’s penguins (he has yet to reveal his name), I am having trouble breaking the ice; pun intended. And my pets aren’t very pleased, as my black and white houseguest has been leaving droppings all over their hotpockets. It truly is a shame because I’m currently trying to save up some money, so kicking the penguin to the curb might not financially be the best option at this point. I have been trying to get some acting gigs as well, but I lost out to another black and tan chihuahua for the latest “heartbreaking-footage-of-abused-puppies-set-to-a-sad-song” commercial (the link is below the post if you want to see the other guy, but I can’t guarantee that he is as cute as I am). I think it may be the fact that those dogs really have been abused and need good homes, but I can relate. Afterall, my biological mother did abandon me in an alley. But that’s beside the point. I am trying to save money in order to start my own dog dating site. It will be similar to the eharmony/match websites for you, humans. I suppose I should copyright my ideas before advertising them on the internet like this, but I have full faith in my blog readers that you won’t go stealing my ideas! Anywho, now you can see how imperative it is that I keep Mr. Popper’s penguin as my tenant. It’s been a rough couple of days, but I will do my best to keep you all updated on the status of my relationship with M.P.P.
Click here to watch the sad puppy video that features my long, lost twin!

Extra, Extra!

My first birthday is right around the corner, so I thought it was only appropriate that I post a snapshot of me as a pup!

Hello, Winstonians! Life is oh-so wonderful. The past two days have just been phenomenal. I have had time away from Pet #1 and it has allowed me to appreciate her more… So much that I have reverted back to some of my puppyhood phases (i.e. ankle  biting). There is something about Pet #1’s tender, smooth, almost “cankle”-like ankles that drive me crazy! I just want to sink my little shark teeth into them, however I only nip for fear that I may actually break the skin. I pride myself in the fact that I have never once hurt my pets. In that way. My sharp tiger claws are a different story. Just take a gander at mommy’s legs. I scarred her for life when I was a puppy with all of the scratches. I apologize.

Anywho, the reason for today’s post is actually a press release. I want you all to be the first to know that I plan on subletting a room in my “apartment” (AKA the kitchen). Mr. Popper called and apparently one of his penguins needs a place to live, so I have offered him my freezer for a whopping $0.75/month! What a deal! I’ve got the contracts all written up; just waiting on Mr. Popper (He is the legal guardian) to sign the lease. I’ve never had a roommate before, so I’m hoping everything will go swimmingly. He better be as maticulous as I am! Well, I’m off to set up the freezer for my new buddy! Gotta clean up all of the popsicles and frozen peas!

You Are My Sunshine

The sacred ray of sunshine that beams through the window

Hello, Winstonettes! I use that term assuming the majority of people reading this are female… Except for pet #2 and perhaps Papa Rick. Speaking of pet #2, I spent most of the day with him. Our day consisted of: Call of Duty, napping, a few walks, and sunbathing. Sunbathing is, by far, my favorite pastime. The window in my bedroom lets in a ray of sunshine that allows me to lay comfortably in bed, while simultaneously basking in the sun. I like to enjoy a nice sunbathe from time to time. It allows me to relax and escape the stress of my mischevious pets. Despite their occasional screw-ups, I absolutely love them! Pet #1 and I have a ritual when she gets home. She lets me out of my “apartment” (My pets were gracious enough to give me my own space in their kitchen. They put a gate up that blocks the kitchen off from the rest of our home and it’s aaalllll mine– all 5 feet of it… pshhh) and I nervously shake while attempting to reach her brain with my tongue. Any cavity in her head is game. That means eyes, ears, nose, and occasionally the mouth if I’m feeling really excited. Pet #1 rubs my ears while I religiously scrape her nostrils with my tongue in hopes of tasting that forbidden brain of hers! It truly feels good to have pet #1 home after such a long day.  7 hours sure is a long time to be away from each other. And while I absolutely cherish the time I spend with pet #2, mommy, I mean pet #1, will always be the apple of my eye. Or maybe it’s the other way around?