Winston vs. Mr. & Mrs. Roach

Sometimes I sleep in the laundry basket… That way I can scare off intruders who try and enter the closet!

Hello, Winstonians. I apologize for my brief absence. The only one to blame is Pet #1 for being irresponsible, as I have been bombarding her with new ideas for my blog for nearly 2 weeks! If only I could type… I suppose the last couple of weeks haven’t been very exciting anyway. My family up in “the big city” is itching to see me because I’ve missed some pretty big events in their lives (I’m talking to you, Joshua and Jason– Congrats on such a great season)! We fully intend on coming up in the near future and we can only imagine the adventures that will follow. Enough with the boring stuff and onto the exciting tiff between the vicious cockroach(es) and yours truly. Only one man made it out alive and judging by the fact that I’m telling this story, it’s safe to assume that would be me. Anyway, Pet #2 decided to do a little spring cleaning in Pet #1’s closet (while she was at work, mind you). I knew she would be pretty miffed that we were pilfering through her beloved articles of clothing, but someone had to do the job. Upon our closet raid, we discovered Mr. & Mrs. Cock A. Roach. It appeared that the couple had set up shop in Pet #1’s closet. They made a bed in one of her shoes and had probably been surviving on that piece of string cheese she left in her purse 2 years ago. Thank heavens that we found them before they had decided to procreate, but I digress. After seeing such a monstrosity, I immediately went into attack mode. I am the only creature living in this joint and by golly, I will do anything to keep it that way! As soon as the happy couple realized that we had discovered their humble abode (complete with home furnishings, such as a chaise lounge and coffee table made out of various articles of clothing and shoes), they went on the offensive and charged me! I wrangled them into the corner and pierced their miniature ears with my wailing howls. My clamor couldn’t hold them in the corner for much longer and I looked to Pet #2 for backup. He was standing behind me with a can of Raid, cocked and pointed at the couple. “Winston, back away,” he calmly demanded. In that moment, I so badly wanted to be the hero, but this fight was just too big for me. I retreated to the kitchen to watch from the wings as Pet #2 doused the evil pair to their deaths. And to answer the question in all of your heads, yes. We have since been exterminated and are looking forward to living in a pest-free home.

Cinco de Mayo Chihuahua Races

TEAM WINSTON

Ladies and gentleman, I regret to inform you that my races did not go as I had expected… The following is a play-by-play of my experience.

9:55a.m. We arrive at the park that is hosting the Chihuahua Races and check in. I’m in the second heat, so we don’t have much time to warm up.

9:57a.m. I urinate on a man in a wheel chair.

10:00a.m. The first heat races and we watch from the sidelines.

10:01a.m. I provoke a massive pitbull and scare my pets half to death.

Pet #2 and me at the starting line

10:03a.m. Pet #2 holds me at the starting line, while crazy Pet #1 is flailing about a few yards away. I’m distracted by her odd behavior and her ridiculous outfit.

10:04a.m. A new distraction… I begin flirting with the girl next to me, but both of our pets are holding us, so all we can do is wiggle in their arms.

10:05a.m. GOOOOOO! I hear Pet #1 yelling my name, but all I want to do is sniff this girl’s bum. We follow each other in circles, as the rest of the chihuahuas cross the finish line. Finally, my girlfriend and I make it across, but we didn’t qualify for the next round.

10:07a.m. Pet #1 is a sore loser and cries over the loss. “I was so sure he’d win,” she says repeatedly, shaking her head.

10:08a.m. I urinate on an innocent man propped against a tree.  Pet #1 quickly tries to reassure the man by saying, “he’s never done this before! I’m so embarassed.” Pet #2 has to turn away to stifle his erratic giggles.

As you can see, this day certainly did not go as planned. It only lasted a measly 10 minutes, but the babes made it worthwhile! And not to mention, I was the cutest dog there… However, I assure you that I’m just getting warmed up… We’ll get ’em next year!

Sir Winston “Speedy Gonzales” Talbott

Who is this crazy lady?! Oh, I forgot...

Hello, Winstonians! We’re literally days away from the big Chihuahua Race! Here in our neck of the woods, we’re pretty excited! How about you? I’ve been extensively training with Pet #2 and I believe that I’m ready to kick those other dogs’ fannies! Here’s the plan for the big race:

Pet #2 will be releasing me. This means he will be pumping me up with positive feedback and coaching me through this. A few “the chubby white chihuahua plays dirty, so if he tries to cut you off, run on the inside of the skinny black chihuahua”or “there will be females in heat and they know they can use it to their advantage. No matter what they try, Winston, do not stop running. Do not mount the other chihuahuas.” Following Pet #2’s sweet nothings, he will pour water on my face, just like the movies, of course, and subsequently remove my robe. I also imagine there will be an announcer who will nickname me Sir Winston “Speedy Gonzales” Talbott. We’ll hear a roar of laughter from the crowd at his clever attempt to somehow tie my Mexican roots into my nickname. After the crowd dies down, the gun will fire and off we will go! Pet #1 will be waiving a treat in the air at the finish line, doing everything in her power to lure me as quickly as possible. “TREAT!!! TREEEEEAAAAATTTT!!!!!,” her tiny lungs will scream. I will react as I typically do, and run like the wind! Repeat this scenario multiple times as I win each heat, and that’s exactly how this day will turn out. I will win that Golden Chihuahua… And if I don’t, my pets better buy me one.