Love is in the Air

My grandpet sent me this for Valentine's Day! I think it truly captures the essence of our home!

Hello, Winstonians! Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! I am so thrilled to announce that I am back in business, sans cherry eye. Thank goodness because I have a hot date with a pretty, young Corgi! She is in heat and I smell her intoxicating scent every time I go on a walk. It has been driving me crazy, and tomorrow, I plan on getting her alone, if you know what I mean ;). Her pets don’t make her walk on a leash, so the ball is in my court. I have to either a.) wait for my pets to open the front door and make a break for it, or b.) shimmy out of my collar during one of my walks. And you and I both know that I am an expert at either or. I’m not worried about my pets punishing me as much as I am about said Corgi’s dad… I suppose I should make a pro/con list regarding the possible consequences of my actions.

Pros: I will finally get what I have been smelling for oh-so-long, I might get a relationship out of this and possibly a family?

Cons: I’m still a baby, myself! I’m not ready to be a dad! Chloe’s (that’s the Corgi’s name) dad will beat me and then force me into marrying her, I’m clearly too young to be tied down, I’m not ready to get my heart broken.

Ok, ladies and gentlemen. I now realize that I am not ready to make this kind of commitment and will not be following through with any previously mentioned plans involving Chloe the Corgi. But a pup can certainly dream! I already asked Pet #1 to be my Valentine anyway. This means I will be receiving a lovely gift from her, hence why I asked her to be my Valentine.

Frosty Paws

The beginning of my birthday was *yawn* fairly boring.

Hello, and thank you all for your lovely birthday wishes! My birthday was uneventful, to say the least… That is, until the evening rolled around! Pet #1 spent the morning with me, but then she stayed at work until nearly midnight! She got home 2 minutes before my special day was over; just enough time to give me a birthday kiss. But just when I thought it was all over, my pets presented me with a bone that is literally half my body weight! I love it so much that I haven’t stopped lugging it around with me wherever I go! What a fun present! The celebration continued today when Pet #1 decided this would be my “birthweek,” rather than my birthday! So, the festivities continued when my glorious pets bought me the greatest invention known to dogkind: Frosty Paws! They are deliciously, delectably, and utterly amazing little vanilla and peanut butter ice cream bites! I’m feeling a strong connection to Pavlov and his pup right now. Every time the freezer opens, I salivate for those mini slices of heaven. Hats off to you, Mr. Frosty Paws! You have created the most scrumptious dog treat, and for that, I thank you!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Look at that smile! Nothing can bring me down on my birthday!

Hello, Winstonites! How was your Super Bowl Sunday? I must tell you that I had quite an eventful day planned with Pet #1, but her undying love and devotion to her career has, once again, overridden our beautiful plans together. I only hope she realizes that our time together is limited. However, I won’t let that ruin the fact that today is my 1st birthday and who knows how long I will be around? That’s 7 in dog years! I’m a full blown second grader now, and next year I will be a teenager! Pet #1 used to document my every move (she has every single one of my baby teeth in a jar–creepy much?) and now she’s barely home long enough to read me a bedtime story and tuck me in. Despicable… I have a few choice words for her managers, but I digress. This should be a happy time, as today is such a big milestone in my life. I wish I could be with my brother, Bentley, on our special day! So, happy birthday to both of us on this special day! I can’t wait to tell you all what my pets get me for my birthday!!

Sibling Sound Off

Whaaat?! The coffee table is prime time sunbathing area nowadays! Notice my curly, pig tail?

‘Ello, love! Winston, here. I’ve been enjoying a lovely couple of days with an extended amount of freedom. My time in my “apartment” is seldom, and while I do enjoy the life as a pup on the go, I also miss my dear friend, Howard (one of Mr. Popper’s penguins for you, newbies), and his antics. You see, Pet #2 has been home the past two days for his weekly time off and I have had no boundaries, whatsoever. I have certainly decided who the “fun” parent is… Although I get frightened when  he yells at me because his voice is much deeper than Pet #1’s soft, whisper-like scolding. I hope my pets never get divorced, as that would turn into a nasty custody battle over who would get the golden child (me, of course, even though I don’t have any siblings… yet). Which brings me to my next discussion: My first birthday is right around the corner–February 6th! And for my birthday, I would like a baby brother or sister to share my “apartment” within my pets’ apartment with. Now, I have to tell you that I have struggled with this decision for a while, but seeing my real brother, Bentley, really puts things into perspective. I have made a pro/con list regarding the possibility of a sibling.

Pros: Permanent playmate, a new bum to sniff, someone to nurture, a built-in best friend.

Cons: Sharing my pets, sharing my toys, sharing my food/water, sharing my treats, sharing my bed, sharing ATTENTION, sharing in general, the possibility that my pets won’t love me anymore, sharing HOWARD… Should I even continue this list? Clearly, this is an awful idea, and who am I kidding? I don’t think I will ever be able to give up the role as the prodigal son. LONG LIVE THE GOLDEN CHILD!

Love Thy Neighbor?

Where's Winston? Can you find me buried in my pillow fortress?

Hello, Winstonites. I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a couple of days. I’ve been moping around due to an extremely traumatic event that occurred on the evening of January 30, 2012. It all started with Pet #1 and I enjoying silly YouTube videos and fresh air on our balcony (she took a shower and forgot to close the bathroom door, hence the apartment was hot and murky). Moments later, our neighbor (the weird guy who lives right next to us and only leaves his apartment to go to work–I think he might be addicted to internet pornography, but I’ll get to that another time) comes waltzing down the stairs. His footsteps prompt my nervous Chihuahua “yips” and Pet #1 tries to scoop me up, but her actions are halted by the vicious neighbor’s response. With great disdain in his voice, said neighbor mutters “Shuuut up” (emphasis on the uhhhh). And it wasn’t just an annoyed response to a pup barking at a man having a bad day. It was an I-hear-you-barking-and-whining-every-day-and-I-fantasize-about-killing-you-when-you’re-home-alone response. This man had so much pent-up hostility and aggression that even Pet #1 was terrified. She immediately curled into a ball on the chair so he wouldn’t see her feet dangling and know that she had heard his cruel words. We were truly stunned and still are. My pets and I have been walking on eggshells trying to be quieter now. We realize that we keep late hours and I’m a noisy little puppy, however that is part of being a petowner/pet. I just hope to avoid another run in with the terrifying neighbor. I wonder if he was the mysterious knocker?

The Great Escape

Daydreaming about my long, lost love...

Hello, Winstonians. Hope everyone is doing well! I just wanted to give a quick update on my most recent shenanigans, as we all know I have been acting out in an attempt to get my pets’ attention. My newest trick is making a break for it every time that front door opens! I stand at the top of the staircase with that I’m-going-to-bolt-if-you-make-one-false-move look, and those predictable pets of mine come charging at me, which in turn, sends me into panic mode. At this point, I realize I am in big trouble, therefore I keep running in an attempt to avoid any consequences involving my bad decisions. Now, I have to tell you, this apartment complex is enormous, which allows me to basically disappear if I want to. However, I’m not really running away; I’m just teaching those little bastards a lesson, despite the colossal amount of trouble I will be in. So, I’m bookin’ it all the way past the tennis courts and through the office, when I suddenly have a Pepé Le Pew moment. The most beautiful little baby Husky caught my eye, and I was immediately drawn to her gorgeous mane. Naturally, I stopped right in my tracks and seductively galloped over to Hussy, the Husky (I’m not sure what her real name is, but I have named her “Hussy” in my head, so let’s just go with that). We began the customary bum-sniffing routine, and I was rounding first base when Pet #2 abruptly snatched me up and away from Hussy. What a buzzkill! Due to my bad behavior, I’ve been banned to my “apartment” within an apartment every time my pets open the front door. Oddly enough, I’m content with the decision because the downtime allows me to relive that moment with Hussy over and over again in my tiny, lima-bean-sized brain. Love is in the air!

I TOLD YOU SO!

This is how I show Pet #1 how I REALLY feel! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!

Well, well, well… What did I tell you?! Pet #1 got a promotion and is neglecting my blog! Who does she think she is? All I have to say to this one is: Pet #2 is now my favorite. He’s been paying way more attention to me and I’m even thinking about asking him to be my webmaster. How do you like them apples?! The past two days have been rather peachy, despite Pet #1’s omission from my life. I had no idea that Pet #2 could be so loving. We played Call of Duty, watched various television shows, and ate lots of junk foods (He’s not usually this lazy, I swear! Those were his days off). I have also been acting out lately, just to stick it to Pet #1! And because I want her attention, of course! Who doesn’t crave their mother’s love? Pet #1 has the next two days off work, so I’m hoping we can finally finish the last season of Gossip Girl. Next show on our list: Modern Family. You know, it wouldn’t kill her to watch some Animal Planet every now and then. Afterall, there are two of us in this relationship!!! Ugh, she’s so selfish… I see I went on another rant, and I must apologize for my terrible manners. I just get so worked up sometimes. Anywho, I would like to address the issue regarding Howard and his distaste for the limelight. Apparently, he is very uncomfortable with the idea of being written about publicly on a blog, however the First Amendment protects my rights to do so. I cannot, however, take pictures of him while he’s sleeping. I believe that is considered voyeurism and I’m fairly certain that is illegal (voyeurism, because Howard is always in the nude… Don’t ask). So, once again, I sincerely apologize for the lack of Howard photos. Perhaps when he renews his lease, I can include a clause about needing pictures of my tenants for personal use only…

Worst. Day. Ever.

Don't leave me, Pet #1!

Hello, Winston Watchers. I regret to inform you all that Pet #1 got the promotion and will not be spending as much time with me. 😦 Words cannot even describe the absolute devastation that I feel right now. My tiny puppy heart aches so badly. I prayed every night that she wouldn’t get it, but clearly her prayers took precedence over mine. PSSHHHH. She better not neglect my blog! I have become increasingly dependent upon sharing my life with complete strangers, and without Pet #1’s fingers, I can’t accomplish that. All I can do is scamper across the keyboard in hopes of typing something intelligible.  The backspace key is big enough for me to paw at it, but nevertheless, it is still a tedious task that I would prefer to have Pet #1 do for me. EVIL PLAN ALERT! We must ban together to sabotage this new promotion. I can chew up all of her work shoes so she is late and unprepared! Or I can ingest some ibuprofen… I heard that isn’t good for dogs. Then she would have to quit so she could constantly be there to hold my paw while I recover at the animal hospital. Or I could just forget all aforementioned plans to dupe Pet #1 and congratulate her with my tongue in her nostrils instead. I apologize for the momentary relapse in judgment. I forgot that Pet #1 making more money=more treats, toys, bones, and precious outfits for Winston! From the bottom of my miniature, fun-size heart, I’m proud of you, Mommy (Yes, I’m calling her mommy due to the extreme guilt I feel from those villainous voices in my head). On top of all of this promotion twaddle, I miss my friends from the “big city.” I slip into a post-visit funk after my travels. I sleep more than usual and Pet #1 tells me that I have night terrors. The abrupt loneliness really takes a toll on me. Don’t get me wrong… I have Howard and he’s been a phenomenal companion, but he’s certainly not my own kind. He can’t be out of the freezer for longer than 15 minutes and I strongly dislike being cramped into such a small space. The freezer is far too dark and cold for my liking! And not to mention it smells like hot pockets and frozen waffles in there, but I digress. My relationship with Howard is comparable to all of those vampire/human relationships you see in the movies and on television these days. We’re from two very different worlds, yet we share such a sacred bond. Only time will tell if our friendship will flourish or flop. Wow, blogging is better than therapy! I just worked through all of my feelings in a matter of minutes!

The Big City

Hello, Winstoners (I’m not condoning my readers to smoke pot, by the way. Hugs, not drugs, people)! Today, Pet #1 took Howard (my tenant that happens to be one of Mr. Popper’s penguins, for those who don’t know) and me up north to the “big city…” AKA the Phoenix suburb, Glendale. Comparatively speaking, Phoenix is much bigger than Tucson so I refer to it as the “big city,” but that’s beside the point. Our adventure began early this morning and I have decided to include a timeline of events to ensure that you all get the full story.

Up and at 'em!

9:30 AM: Pet #1 wakes up, as do I. I spring off the bed, tail wagging.

10:00 AM: Pet #1 packs Howard up in his ice chest/cooler and we attempt to leave. I use the word “attempt” because I delayed our departure by blazing out the front door before my leash was attached.

10:11 AM: Pet #1 finally corrals me after a 10 minute game of tag. She lost. Howard, Pet #1, and I all hop into Pet #2’s car. Pet #2’s car is the family car because it’s an SUV and we need more space for Howard’s cooler.

10:20 AM: We stop for gas and snacks. Pet #1 leaves Howard and me in the car while she runs inside. During this time, we witness an exciting car chase, which sends me into a frenzy.

10:23 AM: Pet #1 tries to leave the gas station, however the entire Tucson Police Department is blocking the street and we are unable to pass through. Their sirens get me all fired up, so I bark incessantly while Howard mutters a few obscenities under his breath.

Asleep at the wheel

10:30 AM: We are back on the road. This gives me the green light to climb out of my pet carrier and nestle into Pet #1’s lap, thus commencing the car game we play. Pet #1 puts me back into the carrier and zips it up this time. I wriggle out of the zipped carrier and climb back into her lap. She puts me in the carrier again and tells me that it is very dangerous to have me on her lap while she drives. I listen for about 2 minutes and then I Houdini myself out again. Pet #1 makes the executive decision that I can be in her lap while we’re on the highway, but once we get into town, I have to go back. Little did I know she was manipulating me and the second I fell asleep, she imprisoned me in the pet carrier. I gave up and went to sleep.

My friends: Bentley, Pixie, and Frances

12:30 PM: We all arrive at Pet #1’s parents’ house (my grandpets’ house). I see Auntie Em and all of my doggy friends. I’m beyond excited to nuzzle my sweet snout into Doodle, the labradoodle. I suppose I should give you a rundown of my friends: Skippy (the antique puppy who is at least 15 years old), Doodle (the Labradoodle), Abby (the Pomeranian/Head bitch in charge), Pixie (the Chiweenie/Second HBIC), Frances (the Cockapoo), and lastly Bentley (the Chihuahua/my real blood brother).

Lounging around with my BFF, Doodle

Wiggle worms=blurry picture

1:00 PM-8:00 PM: Howard and I mingle (sniff bums, groom each other, growl when we feel threatened, etc.) with my friends. It takes my doggy friends a while to warm up to Howard since he’s so icy, pun intended! I swear those jokes never get old! My brother, Bentley, just moved in with my “grandpets” and it appears that he has changed. Pet #1 tries to get us together for a picture, but as you can see, we’re not having it. Bentley is showing several symptoms of depression and I try to talk to him about it, but the pressure of having Howard there makes it awkward. He says he will Skype me later and talk about getting on some Prozac.

8:00 PM: Pet #1, Howard, and I leave my grandpets’ house. We play the car game again. Once again, I lose, and am banished to the pet carrier for the remainder of the ride.

9:00 PM: Howard is belting out tunes from his cooler. I deviously plot out a detailed plan to leave him on the side of the road next time Pet #1 stops for gas, but she never stops. My evil thoughts go right out the window when we get home and Howard thanks me for introducing him to my family. He tells me that he hasn’t been treated this well since he lived with Mr. Popper. BFFLs again!

Curled up on the couch after an eventful day

11:00 PM: I’m all tuckered out from the “big city” extravaganza and I can barely finish this post.

Guard Dog

A lovely photo of me sitting upon my throne, protecting my kingdom

Hello, Winstonites! I must apologize for my absence. I have been spending a lot of time with Howard and Pet #1. We’re like the three musketeers lately, although I am sad to announce that Pet #1’s “vacation” from work is coming to an end tomorrow. Our time spent together was something I will cherish for the rest of my life. The tripod lives on forever! Moving along, I would like to tell you a story about the mysterious door knocker. Pet #1, Howard, and I were snuggled up on the couch watching Gossip Girl, per usual, when someone surprised us at the door. Now, I must tell you that Pet #1 is incredibly scared of answering the door. She’s even afraid of answering phone calls from unknown numbers. I’m not sure why, but she gets very uppity at the thought of just a door in between her and a stranger. Anywho, the mysterious knocker knocked in two sets. And I’m not talking about the I’m-selling-magazines-because-I-need-money-for-summer-camp knockers. These knocks were percussive and angry; like said knocker was on a mission. My ears immediately perked up and I sprung to my feet while ferociously barking  (more like chirping because I’m a tiny chihuahua and my bark isn’t very scary). Pet #1 attempted to hush my snarls and growls, but I wasn’t having it. This is my kingdom and I must protect it from mysterious knockers and such. The second set of knocks came about 13 seconds after the first, and I assure you they were even more fearsome than the first set.  I continued howling, in hopes that I might scare off the mysterious knocker, however he lingered downstairs. We all huddled on the couch, listening carefully to see if we could recognize any of the voices. Finally, Pet #1 grew a pair and looked out the peep-hole, but it was too late. The mysterious knocker & friends had disappeared into the dark night, never to return again! And of course I had to bark at every little peep for the rest of the evening, just in case they decided to come back. I’m telling you, it was traumatic for all parties involved, but it is my duty to protect my pets from any harm.