The Attempted Murder of Sir Winston Talbott

Soaking wet after Pet #1 let me walk into the jacuzzi!

The past week has been quite interesting, to say the least. I’m completely convinced that Pet #1 is planning my demise and I have sufficient evidence to back this theory up. We all know about the beef jerky incident, but it didn’t end there… What was supposed to be a fun weekend with my furry canine friends in the big city turned into a near death experience. Pet #1 and Auntie Em were watching my cousins swim, but this whole “swimming” thing was undiscovered territory for me. Although I was still on my leash, I walked right into the jacuzzi! My entire body was immediately engulfed in water and I had no idea what to do. Thank GOD my puppy instincts kicked in and I began to paddle my little legs. Pet #1 pulled me

Playing with Uncle Frances

out right away, but it could have easily just been for show. After all, there were several witnesses present. She let me enjoy the rest of our time in the “big city” with my buddies, but nearly 48 hours later, she was at it again. For reasons beyond my knowledge, Pet #1 decided it would be a good idea to clip my nails (which, mind you, are my only weapon of defense). She clipped one nail successfully; probably to make me feel at ease and safe in her arms before she attempted to take my life, yet again. I honestly didn’t even feel the second clip, but I certainly saw the aftermath of it. I couldn’t believe my tiny bug eyes! I was gushing blood out of my nail and I had no idea why because I hadn’t felt a thing (or at least that’s what I led her to believe since I didn’t even make a peep or show any signs of distress). Pet #1, on the

...After the nail finally stopped bleeding

other hand, reacted much differently. She began crying hysterically and clutching my little paw for dear life–definitely not the actions of a murderess. At that point, I realized that this was an accident and it probably hurt her more than it hurt me. But I’m still going to milk  this for all it’s worth! She’s been overly affectionate and very generous with the dog treats after this incident, and I would like to keep it that way.  I did, however, reap the ultimate revenge by bleeding all over her white shirt, so she probably won’t be trying any more funny business!

Skinny Winny

Disclaimer: That isn't me on those earrings, however the resemblance is uncanny! (Earrings are available for purchase on etsy.com, for those of you interested)

Hello, everyone! I must start off with a sincere apology regarding the negligence of my blog. My pets have been very consumed with their own lives lately and have put me on the back burner. Well, not me, per say, but my blog. Anywho, Grandpet #1 is getting married next week and I’m really excited to see all of my dog friends. I truly miss them all so dearly…except for Abby (Grandpet #1’s lover’s Pomeranian, if that makes sense). She always has ner nose turned up at something. I have been dabbling in yoga in an attempt to shed some lbs. for the big wedding next week, although it has certainly been a failed attempt! My pets have been bribing me with more treats than usual due to my unprovoked outbursts. And seeing as how the neighbor has it out for me, they are constantly trying to shush me with various edible payoffs. Don’t they realize that rewarding bad behavior only leads to more acting out? Perhaps they should enroll me in obedience school… And that’s saying a lot coming from me.

Worst. Day. Ever.

Don't leave me, Pet #1!

Hello, Winston Watchers. I regret to inform you all that Pet #1 got the promotion and will not be spending as much time with me. 😦 Words cannot even describe the absolute devastation that I feel right now. My tiny puppy heart aches so badly. I prayed every night that she wouldn’t get it, but clearly her prayers took precedence over mine. PSSHHHH. She better not neglect my blog! I have become increasingly dependent upon sharing my life with complete strangers, and without Pet #1’s fingers, I can’t accomplish that. All I can do is scamper across the keyboard in hopes of typing something intelligible.  The backspace key is big enough for me to paw at it, but nevertheless, it is still a tedious task that I would prefer to have Pet #1 do for me. EVIL PLAN ALERT! We must ban together to sabotage this new promotion. I can chew up all of her work shoes so she is late and unprepared! Or I can ingest some ibuprofen… I heard that isn’t good for dogs. Then she would have to quit so she could constantly be there to hold my paw while I recover at the animal hospital. Or I could just forget all aforementioned plans to dupe Pet #1 and congratulate her with my tongue in her nostrils instead. I apologize for the momentary relapse in judgment. I forgot that Pet #1 making more money=more treats, toys, bones, and precious outfits for Winston! From the bottom of my miniature, fun-size heart, I’m proud of you, Mommy (Yes, I’m calling her mommy due to the extreme guilt I feel from those villainous voices in my head). On top of all of this promotion twaddle, I miss my friends from the “big city.” I slip into a post-visit funk after my travels. I sleep more than usual and Pet #1 tells me that I have night terrors. The abrupt loneliness really takes a toll on me. Don’t get me wrong… I have Howard and he’s been a phenomenal companion, but he’s certainly not my own kind. He can’t be out of the freezer for longer than 15 minutes and I strongly dislike being cramped into such a small space. The freezer is far too dark and cold for my liking! And not to mention it smells like hot pockets and frozen waffles in there, but I digress. My relationship with Howard is comparable to all of those vampire/human relationships you see in the movies and on television these days. We’re from two very different worlds, yet we share such a sacred bond. Only time will tell if our friendship will flourish or flop. Wow, blogging is better than therapy! I just worked through all of my feelings in a matter of minutes!